Next Up: Garbage Bags

I was recently blessed with the beginning of a slight glimmer of a tentative hope that I could start to be satisfied with my bodily shape and size. Not ideal by a long shot, but sustainable and improved from previous months.

Nothing can snuff out that tiny flame more effectively than trying on new clothes, specifically pants. Sure, I went to only one store where I've never had much luck in the past, but that didn't keep me from being disappointed. It seems like whenever I find clothes that fit, I get them because they technically fit and not because they look particularly good on me. But that is the exception: I can never, ever find good pants that fit.

And I'm pretty sure I never will. Whining to Erich, I told him I would just start wearing paper bags. He suggested plastic as it would help me sweat more. I concur; garbage bags it is. Slimming black. He also offered heavy-duty shrink wrap. As IF. I would not wear heavy-duty shrink wrap instead of pants. It would be my shapewear, for sure. I have such a helpful husband to help me figure out my wardrobe woes.

But seriously, I need help. I have so very many clothes of the following categories: warm weather, cold weather, in-between. Of each of those, there's pre-pregnancy (skinny and fat, but mostly fat), maternity, and postpartum.

I'm happy to say postpartum clothes are now too big. I'm still wearing the tops, but they're increasingly tent-like. Maternity is RIGHT OUT. I was still wearing some of my dress pants, but the last time I wore them, they looked ridiculous, so all maternity clothes are officially done. (I have a ten-month-old. I guess it's good I'm not wearing maternity clothes anymore, right?)

So that leaves pre-pregnancy. And since I hadn't worn any of those clothes for about a year and a half, I don't even remember what I have. And from what I've found, it's unpredictable as to what will fit. Most of it doesn't since everything just fits differently now.

I guess I need a completely new wardrobe, but I lack two things: time and money. Oh, and ambition. Plus, I have that feeling that once I finally figure out how to dress my body AND I have some decent clothes that fit, I'm going to find myself pregnant again and have to start all over. 

Makes the garbage bag option seem more and more viable. I wish saris and muumuus were more socially acceptable. Never mind; I'd still probably have to shop for them.

Trick or Treat

Halloween was Sunday dinner at my parents' house. We went for a brief walk and called it trick-or-treating.

Lily was a ladybug.

All three of us.

(I apologize for my appearance. I probably should keep my mouth shut and stop seeing things that no one else does, but I find it hard to believe that I'm that fat. The sweater and pants are both way too big, so let's blame the clothes. I keep meaning to shop for myself, and it keeps not happening.)

Alice! This kid is a champion smiler.

The three cousins. Alayna actually was trick-or-treating.

My cousin, Nathan, wife Anna, and baby Jacob were there! Jacob was the cutest pumpkin ever.

The 800lb Me in the Room

You may remember a while ago, when I talked a little bit about my new resolve to lose weight. I promised to come back a few weeks later and let you know how it was going.

Well, I was doing well for about a week and a half, but then I started struggling. The numbers on the scale stagnated then started creeping up a little, 0.2 lbs at a time until I was back where I started. Since then, I have committed more thoroughly to weight loss. I have to stop letting it be this little thing I do on the side but try to ignore most of the time. And now, in the past few weeks, I really have turned over a new leaf. This isn't the kind of enthusiasm that comes from subscribing to someone else's ideas--I am truly, finally, changing the way I think about things. I feel at peace and delighted about the body I WILL get back.

Anyway, I started a new blog as a journal in my weight loss journey. I just wanted to mention that to anyone who might be interested. It's a secret blog--it's not private, but it is fairly unfindable. I don't want the whole world to be able to read it. However, I think the things I'm learning might be helpful to those with similar goals. If you would like to subscribe to my new blog, leave a comment to that effect and I will email you the link.

And the winner is...

Schott's Miscellany 2009 Page-a-Day Calendar.

I went to Barnes & Noble yesterday to get myself a desk calendar. This was the first year in MANY years that I didn't get one for Christmas. As soon as I tore off December 31 from 2008's Office Quotes calendar, I missed being able to glance up and read something kind of useless but entertaining, while also being able to see today's date. It's a very valuable product.

And January 5 is a great time to get a calendar. Duh! It was 50% off! I'm pleased with my purchase, bloggees. Just thought you'd like to know.

Another item I bought, because B&N emailed me a 40% off coupon, was this book by Paul McKenna: I Can Make You Thin.

The title is dumb. The man himself is very self-help-guru-ish. He's good at pumping his fists and getting TV audiences to cheer. I know this because I watched all the episodes of his show by the same name that aired on TLC in the spring of last year. And ordinarily, these things turn me off. I resist the influence of people like Oprah. I get it, but I don't want to be a part of it.

On the other hand, I've tried many ways to lose weight over the years, mainly by scolding myself. I did Weight Watchers a few years ago and promptly lost 19 pounds over a few months, but then I gained back about five pounds, which I maintained until my wedding almost a year later. My weight has gone up ever since, certainly helped along by marital bliss and the depression of two miscarriages. Since my first success on WW, I tried it again twice and failed miserably both times. WW claims not to be a diet, but it is. It works for a lot of people, but like all diets, if you don't stay on it forever, you will regain the weight you lost.

WW also never really helped my relationship with food. I love it and I hate it. I eat because I'm happy, I eat because I'm sad, and very often, I eat because I'm bored. My main goal now is to eat because I'm hungry--and ONLY when I'm hungry. It's not an issue of willpower, it's behavior modification. WW=willpower and work; Paul McKenna=behavior modification. It's understanding some basic truths about how the brain works, reinforcing it with a little hypnosis, and improving your lifelong relationship with food. I need to do that and I'm ready now.

I hid my scale last night. I weigh myself far too often. I resolve to stop watching the numbers fluctuate day to day and pay more attention to everything in my life. Food is only a small part of that. I want to feel better, look better, and have more energy. Diets only make me obsess about food, and I'm ready to stop.

I'll let you know how I'm doing in a few weeks. I'm fairly confident I'll have good news to report. It feels weird to put this on my blog--it's making me accountable! But I didn't tell the internet about the last time I went on WW. I probably knew I would fail. I hope I succeed this time. Wish me luck!