Faith

The following is from an email to my pastors, who are both awesome. In the days following our devastating news, I had much time to reflect and have found a good outlet in private journaling. I often find reasons to be glad I'm Lutheran, and recent reflections on my faith have been no exception.

"Thus far, I have had a rather smooth and hope-filled emotional recovery from this ordeal. At first I wondered why, and then I realized that Erich and I have many people--friends and family, loved ones--praying for our peace and comfort. God's peace has found us, and we welcome it. My mom says that Erich and I have such strong faith, we cannot be shaken. But hearing a statement like this embarrasses me; not because I don't have faith, but because I feel like I can't take responsibility for it. This miscarriage has demonstrated to me more acutely than anything else in my life that this wonderful faith we share comes completely and solely from the Holy Spirit. If it were up to me to keep my faith strong through this ordeal, I would fail miserably. The knowledge that I can rely so fully on the faith that comes from God is the sweetest of comfort. I don't need to question "my" faith (or even ask God "Why?") because God Himself keeps it strong. I can lean on that faith when I feel weak and know that it's there even when I don't feel it. I don't need to be able to control my thoughts and make myself think about believing in God and His saving grace to know that it's already won for me. What a tremendous blessing!"